It's me again! Recently I have been observing how freely my siblings talk about our parents and their mistakes as well as the good they have done. I have been admiring how it comes so easy for them to talk about it.It's one of my goals this year to become more open with how I was raised and what really went on behind closed doors and the smiles on my mom's and I's face. For those of you that know me really well know that I like to keep things very private and as my sister says, "Keep a smile on my face and pretend everything is okay".
So as a baby step I'll tell you a little bit about my dad. He was an alcoholic and a drug abuser. As well as he abused my mom, 2 older brothers and my older sister. After my mom and him he stalked us for a year. I did have visitation with him and for that I am thankful!!!! At visitations he was the best kind of dad. The dad at visitations was loving, caring, and very funny. Eventually he stopped coming and that was my moms fault and that is another story for another time.
I have been having a hard time with all of this because, the traumatic experiences with him stand out more then the good. When I do have a memory of him it's in a dream that turns into a panic attack or PTSD episode. In closing I will share something I have been writing and is a work in progress....
XOXO Faleena
" One big ranch with 1 young kid
No real father figure to be there for her to pick up the pieces.
Unable to figure out why he was so mad
She prays every night for him to calm down and to not place another mark on her mom.
He drank every single day, he didn't care to calm his rage
He never thought about what his daughter would say
Get off the drink or put it down the drain is what she would pray for
It's not worth you missing out on her life
Daddy come back to me. My heart is torn
Now you are gone cause you couldn't control it. Your rage consumed you and you didn't get to see your baby girl grow up.
She doesn't have that many memories of him sober. She wants to see him get better and not to give into that violent rage.
She wants him home and so does her mom.
They just want him off the drink
Daddy I miss you. I'm scared of you though but theres still that part of me that wants you here.
Part of me just wants you gone from my life. Mom and I are better off without you.
Your little girl still have nightmares of the night you were taken away
And night terrors of you stalking her mom and her
Even through all the hell you put your little girl girl through she still loves and misses you.
Daddy come home please....
It's been 9 years since you passes away.
Daddy I miss you so much. I wish you hadn't given in to the drink and the rage.
Your little girl is 17 now and misses you more then ever.
You didn't give her the chance to know you.
Now she is fighting some of the same battles you were.
But she is not going to give into them
Your little girl has learned how to stand tall and smile even though people don't like her because she is your daughter .
She wishes you were here to talk to and to hear you say you are sorry for everything......
One of these days the pain will fade but, of now you are a painful memory...."
