Gratefulness

     Gratefulness is a wonderful feeling. Tonight I would like to share a few things. 

     As I talk to my sister about school and our plan for the next year I think about how amazing that it is that I have her. We may not get along all the time but, we love each  other and I don't know what I would do without her. I am very grateful to her and the rest of my sibling and our extended family friends that have been helping us out. 

    We were talking about collages tonight and I'm so grateful that I have the resources and family to support me in my journey. If I didn't have them I wouldn't be able to live where I am or do the things I love. I would like to give a shout out to my sister and Cory for raising me/helping me. To my brother Ben for supporting in so many different ways but the biggest way is that I realize I really can do whatever I want in life as long as I work hard and you will get your dream. To my brother Jake for always being there for me and helping me interpret Nikki! As well as giving me great advice. And last but not least to my RSD (Reverse Step Dad) Greg. Greg didn't have to step into this crazy mess of his ex wife's but he did. I will be forever grateful to him for showing me what a real dad looks like and for being in my corner when I need him. Also for the first time feeling like someone is really there for me is very comforting to me.

     Tonight my challenge to you is to go hug your family and be thankful for what you have in whatever situation you are in!

Have a great weekend:) 

xoxo

Faleena 

New Beginnings and A Little About The Past

It's me again! Recently I have been observing how freely my siblings talk about our parents and their mistakes as well as the good they have done. I have been admiring how it comes so easy for them to talk about it.It's one of my goals this year to become more open with how I was raised and what really went on behind closed doors and the smiles on my mom's and I's face.  For those of you that know me really well know that I like to keep things very private and as my sister says, "Keep a smile on my face and pretend everything is okay".

So as a baby step I'll tell you a little bit about my dad. He was an alcoholic and a drug abuser. As well as he abused my mom, 2 older brothers and my older sister. After my mom and him he stalked us for a year. I did have visitation with him and for that I am thankful!!!! At visitations he was the best kind of dad. The dad at visitations was loving, caring, and very funny. Eventually he stopped coming and that was my moms fault and that is another story for another time.

I have been having a hard time with all of this because, the traumatic experiences with him stand out more then the good. When I do have a memory of him it's in a dream that turns into a panic attack or PTSD episode. In closing I will share something I have been writing and is a work in progress....

XOXO Faleena 

" One big ranch with 1 young kid

No real father figure to be there for her to pick up the pieces.

Unable to figure out why he was so mad

She prays every night for him to calm down and to not place another mark on her mom.

He drank every single day, he didn't care to calm his rage

He never thought about what his daughter would say

Get off the drink or put it down the drain is what she would pray for

It's not worth you missing out on her life

Daddy come back to me. My heart is torn

Now you are gone cause you couldn't control it. Your rage consumed you and you didn't get to see your baby girl grow up.

She doesn't have that many memories of him sober. She wants to see him get better and not to give into that violent rage.

She wants him home and so does her mom.

They just want him off the drink

Daddy I miss you. I'm scared of you though but theres still that part of me that wants you here.

Part of me just wants you gone from my life. Mom and I are better off without you.

Your little girl still have nightmares of the night you were taken away

And night terrors of you stalking her mom and her

Even through all the hell you put your little girl girl through she still loves and misses you.

Daddy come home please....

It's been 9 years since you passes away.

Daddy I miss you so much. I wish you hadn't given in to the drink and the rage.

Your little girl is 17 now and misses you more then ever.

You didn't give her the chance to know you.

Now she is fighting some of the same battles you were.

But she is not going to give into them

Your little girl has learned how to stand tall and smile even though people don't like her because she is your daughter .

She wishes you were here to talk to and to hear you say you are sorry for everything......

One of these days the pain will fade but, of now you are a painful memory...."

Memories/Holidays

Well Thanksgiving is only a few days away and here I am thinking about last years Thanksgiving. Let's just say the food was good but not so much the table talk. As I look back though my Mom and I had so much fun getting ready and making the food. We were making a fried turkey stuffed with heavenly smelling things and making a few pies as well as sweet potato goodness! We had a tradition of always making two apple pies. One for Thanksgiving day and one for just us to share while watching Steel Magnolias after all the cooking and baking was done. This year it's good to start making new traditions but I still miss my old ones. 
Holidays have never been my thing so I thought this wasn't going to be to bad but it hasn't been. It's crazy to think that just last year I was in the kitchen peeling potatoes and singing to Oh Happy Day with her and now I'm getting ready to spend my first Thanksgiving without her.... I am looking forward to spending it with my brother Ben though! 
XOXO Faleena 
P.S. Always live life to its fullest. You never know when it's going to be gone. 

Just To See You Smile

Horses are a powerful majestic creature. They can have an overwhelming affect on you. For a very long time I rejected the horse life style. I didn't want to have anything todo with the horse. Now here I am and they are my life. The affect they can have on your spirit is incredible. When I want to go fast I can count on Lacy to run free with me. I know I can always count on Lacy and Lani to make my day better. Today I felt both of my parents there with me. This brought a sense of peace in my soul. It was amazing to feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel again. I was able to figure out how to love my parents and be okay with their choices even if I wish they would have made different ones. And for the first time in a long time I smiled a real smile. Lacy was able to bring that out in me today. No matter what it's going to be okay and I know I can always connect with my parents while I ride. 

Saying Goodbye

Saying goodbye is something that I learned at a very young age. It's not an easy thing. Sometimes it feels like you have to say too many goodbyes. Saying goodbye to my siblings was one thing. I had a different experience with each one. Now we are trying to mend those goodbyes. It's not going to happen in a few days it's going to take time. Saying goodbye to my dad when he left the first time was the most excruciating pain I felt as a four year old.  The next time I said goodbye was in March of 2006 when he died. That was the second saddest day in my life. In December of 2006 I said goodbye to my normal life as my mom married a new husband and was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. I said goodbye to the little girl I used to be in 2006. The next few years I said goodbye to my childhood. I started working and helping run the ranch/farm. I was doing the adult work. In March of 2014 I said goodbye to my whole world, my mom. I said goodbye to the only world I knew.  It wasn't always bad but sometimes I wished I could be a kid and not have to have all these responsibilities at the same time I wouldn't change anything. Why you might ask. It's because it wouldn't have made me who I am today. Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things I will do in my life. Finding a way to understand all the goodbyes will drive you crazy. All you can do is try your best to be happy and keep on moving on with your life. 

XOXO 
Faleena 

Song Lyrics That I Love/One's That Describe Me

These lyrics are very true for me in a way and that's why I love this song. This song says a lot about being tough and what it's like in a way. In many ways it describes  how I am. 
A woman with a backbone is described in this song! Here's a little something into my world.
XOXO 
Faleena 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLOEqQW-Bmo


Verse 1
I wanted lace, I wanted pearls
To be a princess like the other girls
But life came hard, to my front door
And I spent my time tryin' to even out the score

Chorus
Tough, I ain't ever been nothin' but tough
All my edges have always been rough
But Jesus loves me anyway
Back off, there ain't nothin wrong with a woman that got a little backbone
Just wait til you taste her kind of love
You wanna shy little thing, a pretty little high-heel thing
Gonna cry if I don't polish up
Tough

Verse 2
The way I see it, the hands of fate
did me a favor with the cards he delt my way
Found out real fast life is a game
You're out real quick if you dont know how to play...

Chorus
Tough, I ain't ever been nothin' but tough
All my edges have always been rough
But Jesus loves me anyway
Back off, there ain't nothin wrong with a woman that got a little backbone
Just wait til you taste her kind of love
You wanna shy little thing, a pretty little high-heel thing
Gonna cry if I don't polish up
Tough

Are you serious? You ain't fooled me much. You just hangin' round so you can try your luck.

Tough, I ain't never been nothin but tough. All my edges have always been rough.
You wanna a shy little thing, a pretty little high-heel thing
Gonna cry if I don't polish up.
You know what I gotta say about that is Tough

A Little About Me

Hey! 

Here are a few things so that you know a little bit about me. I barrel race and post a lot of horse things. I like fashion of any kind. I like to read anything. I used to train horse shut have had to stop with my present circumstances so now I'm just training my two mares Lacy and Lani. I will probably post some sad things because my Mom died in March and my family is now dealing with that. I'm a steak and baked potatoes kind of girl! I can cook and bake. I love to spend time outside with my horses. I love to write and hope to share my story someday with others. 

I will post about things I'm interested in such as PTSD, combat vet's, drugs, and anything else I feel like posing! I hope you guys enjoy my musing on life!

xoxo

Faleena